Why Is It So Hard to Get My ADHD Partner to Use a Shared Digital Calendar?

This question really resonated with me because I, too, once wanted my ADHD partner to use a shared digital calendar. Coming from a technology background where using a digital calendar for work was second nature, I couldn’t understand why this wasn’t an easy solution for us.

When I entered the workforce, digital calendars became essential. Whether scheduling meetings or planning events, sending calendar invites and blocking time was the norm. Over time, I began using digital calendars to manage my personal life as well. It became such a habit that checking my calendar was as natural as brushing my teeth.

Naturally, I wanted my husband, who also works in tech, to use a shared digital calendar with me. I tried for years but met little success. Eventually, I realized that while it worked for me, it didn’t necessarily benefit us as a couple.

So, why is it so hard for ADHD partners to adopt a shared digital calendar? Here are three key reasons I’ve discovered, both from personal experience and from helping ADHD individuals navigate similar challenges.

1. Technology Is More Complex Than It Seems

What feels simple to one person can be overwhelming to another. For example, many ADHD professionals, with ADHD or not, I’ve helped want a “single version of the truth” in their calendars—a unified view that combines work, personal, and family schedules in a single calendar. Even with tools like Google Calendar, merging multiple calendars isn’t always straightforward. It often requires figuring out detailed step-by-step instructions or paying for services like Calendly to allow others to see real availability across multiple calendars. Additionally, in some industries like healthcare, government regulation (such as HIPAA) prevent combining work and personal calendars.

For my ADHD partner, the challenge wasn’t just using the calendar but also navigating the complexities of combining multiple digital calendars. This taught me that what felt intuitive to me was actually very hard for him.

2. Low Motivation to Use a Shared Calendar

As a non-ADHD partner, I don’t need excitement or external motivation to complete mundane tasks. I just do them. But for ADHD partners, who often struggle with tasks that lack immediate rewards, like using a shared calendar, doesn’t offer much incentive.

Many ADHD experts describe the ADHD brain as “reward-focused,” meaning tasks with delayed (like saving for retirement) or minimal rewards (like keeping up with a calendar) are particularly unappealing. Without recognition or excitement, it’s hard for an ADHD partner to see the value in using one.

3. Learning New Technology Is Challenging

In the past, I’ve trained ADHD therapists and coaches on a new system. While non-ADHD participants picked it up quickly, many ADHD participants needed extra time, guidance, and repeated instruction on the same steps.

At work, I can dedicate the time and patience for this kind of support, but at home, it’s different. Do I want to constantly reteach the same process to my partner? The answer was no, and that realization was freeing.

Our Solution: Focus on the Outcome, Not the Tool

When I understood that a shared digital calendar benefited me more than us, I shifted my focus. What mattered wasn’t whether we used a shared calendar but whether tasks got done. We leverage the combination of the following and what works for us together now:

• Weekly Check-Ins: We set aside time to discuss important events, appointments, and tasks for the week or month.

• Keep Track in our own Calendars: My husband uses two paper calendars—one for work and important tasks, and one for family dates and anniversaries. I put tasks and date on my calendars, but it is simply for me, if I wish to see it in a calendar.

• Amazon Alexa: He sets reminders for things he needs to remember.

  
  

This system isn’t perfect, but it works for our household because it focuses on getting things done, not forcing a tool that doesn’t suit his needs.

Ultimately, I’ve learned that adapting to our unique strengths and preferences as a couple is more valuable than trying to impose a system that works for me alone. If your ADHD partner struggles with shared calendar, it’s worth exploring alternative approaches that help both of you thrive.

What about you? Have you had similar struggles with getting your ADHD partner to use a digital calendar? What solutions or systems have worked for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

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