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Whether you were aware of your spouse's ADHD before marriage or not, the driving force behind your commitment to your ADHD partner was love. Love is a powerful motivator that compels us to fight for our relationships. However, as the honeymoon phase fades and the challenges of ADHD take center stage, it can strain our love and sometimes turn it into resentment.
To combat this wear and tear, gratitude has become an integral part of my daily life. Beyond its role in maintaining my own mental and emotional well-being by reducing stress and anxiety, I've come to realize that practicing gratitude towards my husband pays incredible dividends.
How Gratitude Helped Transform My ADHD Marriage
Creating a Buffer for Reaction: ADHD in a relationship can sometimes lead to impulsive reactions and heightened emotions. Gratitude has given me a buffer, a moment to pause before reacting negatively to my ADHD spouse. This buffer has helped me respond with understanding and empathy rather than frustration.
Reducing Defensiveness: My husband, like many with ADHD, used to be defensive when we needed to have any conversations. He could barely have a 5-min conversation with me before he got up and left, leaving both of us frustrated. Practicing gratitude changed that. He felt more appreciated and less attacked, making our discussions more productive and less contentious. Even when he is not on medications, like over the weekends, he is able to have hour-long conversations. That is the beauty of Gratitude.
Opening Up and Showing Care: Through gratitude, my husband started to open up more. He began to express his thoughts and emotions, demonstrating that he genuinely cares about our marriage and values our connection.
This did take a little bit of time. It took a few weeks before he started opening up fully. However, I have able to notice changes. During those transitional weeks, he was less tense, and his voice was more relaxed each time I called him before I shared my gratitude. When I asked him what changed, he simply said that he was less worried about getting negativity from me because he wants to get more praise and encouragement from me (this is the increased dopamine that he loves so much, Yes!!!).
Breaking Down Walls: Over time, both of us had inadvertently built emotional walls to protect ourselves from the strain of ADHD-related challenges. Gratitude helped us break down those barriers, allowing us to thrive as a couple once more.
This was another big one for me. When he was more relaxed and not worried about getting negativity, he communicated more effectively. During a conversation on household chores one of those where I wanted it done a certain way and he wasn't doing it, he was able to explain why he was doing it his way, something that never happened before. As a result, it made me realize what he does has his own reason, making me less judgmental, and started being more inquisitive about why he is doing it that way first because I provide negative criticism.
Tackling Challenges Together: ADHD can impact various aspects of life, from finances to treatment. Gratitude strengthened our ability to tackle these challenges together. We became a more cohesive team, finding common ground and solutions for the issues that mattered most to us. I started seeing him act on his own to show me he cares about what matters to me and to us. For any of us, this is the nirvana that we are all looking for - being understood and heard and tackling challenges together.
5 Best Practices for Starting Your Own Gratitude Practice
Now, having shared how gratitude transformed my ADHD marriage, let's delve into my five best practices to help you start your own gratitude practice. These practices, based on my experience, can be the keys to unlocking the power of gratitude in your relationship.
Here are some practical steps to kickstart your journey towards a more fulfilling and harmonious connection with your ADHD spouse:
1. Focus Gratitude on Your Spouse: Gratitude directed towards your partner is a potent force for building a stronger connection. Express appreciation for their unique qualities and the actions that make a difference in your life.
2. Set a Habit for 21 Days: Research suggests that 21 days is the magic number to adopt a habit. Commit to your gratitude practice for at least this duration, allowing it to become a consistent part of your daily routine.
3. Write It Down Visually: Consider keeping a gratitude journal and posting it where you and your spouse can see it. Visual cues can be powerful for those with ADHD, as they tend to retain information better when it's presented visually.
4. Express Sincere Gratitude: To make your gratitude practice truly effective, mean it wholeheartedly. Sincere gratitude is more impactful than half-hearted expressions. Your spouse can tell when your appreciation is genuine.
5. Monitor Your Feelings Regularly: Note down how your feelings towards your spouse evolve as you lengthen your gratitude practice. This self-reflection can help you see changes in your relationship dynamics and your own well-being over time.
Conclusion
So, why should every non-ADHD spouse adopt gratitude as part of their daily ritual? Because it has the power to transform not just your relationship but your own well-being. It's a small change that can make a world of difference in your ADHD marriage. Regardless of where you are in the ADHD rollercoaster, I highly recommend giving gratitude a try.
Why wait, join us and start your baby steps to gratitude practice by being a part of our 30-day gratitude challenge in November. Add your gratitude as a comment to my data gratitude. I promise you that it only take you a min.
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