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I get to talk to many non-ADHD partners regularly, and one recurring theme is the frustration they feel from being stuck in a vicious cycle. They become so exhausted from constantly reminding their ADHD partner of everything that it feels like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. One partner shared,
“I feel like I’m drowning because as soon as we get to a good place, my ADHD spouse does something, and I feel pulled under. It’s never-ending.”
I understand because I’ve been there too. But as I reflect on where I am today in my relationship, I no longer feel that way regularly. In fact, I feel happy and content with my marriage, which is a significant improvement. Today, I want to share some of what I’ve learned in hopes of helping you break free from the cycle of unmet expectations and frustration.
The Problem with the Neurotypical Standard
I used to measure my spouse’s behavior against a neurotypical standard—one based on how I thought things SHOULD be done. I would ask, “If most people can handle this, why can’t he?” This included expectations around time management (like keeping a steady job), emotional regulation (not getting upset in the middle of conversations), and household responsibilities (doing chores consistently, like me). But my ADHD spouse struggled in all these areas.
What I realized over time is that expecting someone with ADHD to meet neurotypical standards is unfair and unrealistic. About 5% of the population has ADHD—they’re the minority. It’s like asking someone to climb a mountain without proper training or gear. They might make some progress, but it will be an uphill battle filled with setbacks, and they may never reach the summit. Holding onto these expectations only led to frustration, resentment, and growing disconnect between us.
The Need for Mutual Change
The shift came when I realized that the change I wanted in my marriage wasn’t something my spouse could achieve alone. It wasn’t fair for me to expect him to do all the work when we were both in the relationship. Yes, he needed to learn ways to better manage his ADHD, but I also needed to adjust my expectations and approach.
This required me to let go of rigid ideas about how things SHOULD be done and to develop empathy for the unique challenges my spouse faces daily. I needed to accept that both of us had to make changes if we wanted the relationship to thrive. Once I began making those changes, I noticed our relationship improving as well.
Practical Steps I Took to Break the Cycle
Educating Myself About ADHD:
Understanding ADHD changed how I viewed my spouse’s behavior. It wasn’t about lowering my standards but about setting realistic expectations based on how his brain works. Reading books and listening to experts helped, but what made the biggest difference was hearing about the struggles of ADHD individuals. Susan Pinsky gave me my first lightbulb moment, and many others followed, helping me develop real empathy for my spouse.
Embracing Flexibility:
As my empathy grew, I realized how rigid expectations were adding to the challenges in our relationship. I learned to be more open-minded and flexible about how things got done. For example, I always did chores on Sundays, but my spouse felt overwhelmed because it was his "off" day—especially since it’s also a day when he doesn’t take medication. Once I understood that, I shifted my routine. Now, Sundays are our day off together, and he’s more willing to help me with chores on other days.
Focusing on Collaboration, Not Criticism:
Instead of criticizing my spouse for not doing things the “right” way or "my" way, I started focusing on working together to find solutions. For instance, we used to hike the same trail every week, and after awhile, his interest started fading. When I asked why, he explained he needed more stimulation. By switching things up and taking turns picking new spots, we found a solution that worked for both of us.
Celebrating Small Wins:
I learned to appreciate small steps forward instead of waiting for big breakthroughs. Celebrating small victories—like my spouse completing a task without a reminder—helped reinforce positive changes. I also learned that my spouse responds better to frequent praise and encouragement. ADHD brains are reward-driven, so by offering sincere encouragement, I helped him stay motivated to keep making progress.
Reevaluating My Priorities:
I also had to reflect on what truly mattered in our relationship. Was it keeping the house spotless, or was it building a loving, supportive partnership? Once I let go of the pressure to meet perfectionist standards, I found more peace. For example, I no longer stress about cleaning the floors every week. If we miss a week, that’s okay—we’ll just pick it up the next week because it’s not the end of the world. What’s more important is spending time together regularly, as it helps improve our communication and strengthens our relationship.
Call to Action
To all the non-ADHD spouses out there, I encourage you to reflect on your expectations. Are you holding your partner to a standard that doesn’t fit who they are? Are you willing to make changes in yourself, just as you’re asking your partner to do?
Breaking the cycle of frustration and unmet expectations wasn’t easy, but it was possible—and it started with me. When both partners commit to adapting and growing together, real, lasting change can happen. My marriage is living proof of that, and I believe yours can be too.
Ready to Break the Cycle? I'm Here to Support You.
If you’re feeling stuck in this cycle and are ready to make a change, I’d love to help you take those first steps. I’m offering coaching sessions, completely free, to help non-ADHD partners find new ways forward. It’s my way of giving back and supporting others who are going through what I’ve experienced. If you’re interested, feel free to schedule a call and let’s talk about how we can work together.
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