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As a volunteer with CADDAC and a facilitator for their support group for parents of children with ADHD, I was particularly eager to attend this conference. Being a certified ADHD Life Coach and the only non-ADHD member in a family of four, I'm constantly seeking new insights to apply both professionally and personally. The review I am about to share is from the non-ADHD spouse perspective.
Event Overview
The ADHD Conference is an annual event organized by CADDAC - Centre for ADHD Awareness, Canada. This year, the 16th ADHD Conference was held in Ontario and curated a day and a half of professional presentations catered to individuals with ADHD, parents and caregivers and professionals serving the ADHD community.
The ADHD conference provided a thorough exploration of various aspects of ADHD, featuring presentations from a range of professionals on topics including productivity, emotional regulation, and culturally sensitive ADHD care. Common challenges associated with ADHD were explored from multiple perspectives. What I appreciate about different perspectives is how they reinforce the complexity of ADHD as an invisible disorder that impacts executive brain functions. As an ADHD coach, I am often surprised to find how much compassion I have for my children, clients, and community members, yet I struggled to extend the same understanding to my husband.
Although the conference primarily focused on many aspects of ADHD throughout the lifespan of individuals with ADHD, I believe it provided valuable insights for both the non-ADHD and the ADHD partners as they navigate their complex experiences together because the more we understand how the ADHD brain is wired, the better we can focus on collaborative approaches to the daily aspects of the relationship and establish more realistic expectations.
On the topic of relationships, Dr. Ari Tuckman's presentation on "Better Relationships with ADHD" was my favourite session of the conference, attracting a significant audience and providing an in-depth analysis of the dynamics of friendships and romantic relationships affected by ADHD.
Dr. Tuckman's expertise and engaging presentation style brought clarity to this often challenging topic. His ability to address complex issues with both knowledge and charisma resonated with attendees, offering insights and potential solutions that left me feeling more informed and optimistic about managing ADHD within my relationships.
My Top 3 Takeaways from Better Relationships with ADHD by Dr. Tuckman
1. Differentiating between universal relationship challenges and ADHD
This specific issues was particularly enlightening for me. He emphasizes that all long-term relationships face difficulties. Importantly, he points out that it's easy to justify our own negative behaviors based on our partner's actions, and we must take personal responsibility for our integrity.
This perspective was especially relevant to me, as I realized I had often inadvertently weaponized my partner's ADHD experiences. In reality, many issues stem from personality differences rather than ADHD symptoms. For instance, I frequently blamed my husband's ADHD for his lack of initiative in emptying the recycle bin. However, I came to understand that this was more about my lower tolerance for clutter and preference for daily emptying, which causes me stress, rather than an ADHD-related oversight on his part.
This realization opened my eyes to the difference between my true limits and mere preferences, helping me understand what I can accommodate in our relationship and which boundaries are essential for my well-being.
2. Make & Take Requests Clearly
Fostering effective communication in relationships, especially those involving ADHD, it's essential to make and take requests clearly and concisely without wandering into justification or criticism. This involves being specific about what is being asked, focusing on one topic at a time, and staying present without bringing in past grievances. For example, instead of saying, "You never help with the dishes as I do," a clearer request would be, "Could you please wash the dishes after dinner tonight? I would appreciate it as it makes it so much easier to prepare breakfast in the morning.”
By adopting this approach, partners can reduce misunderstandings, increase the likelihood of needs being met, and create a supportive environment. This resonated with me because it shifts the focus from comparing executive functions or household contributions to emphasizing what kind of partner you want to be and how much you care about your partner's well-being.
3. Make a point to discuss Where Reminders Fit
I enjoyed his perspective on this topic. While non-ADHD partners can often serve as external executive functions, it's crucial to consider whether both partners are comfortable with this dynamic. It's easy for the partner with better memory to create and fire up reminders, assuming they know best. However, this approach can lead to an imbalanced relationship. Instead, partners can openly discuss the nature, timing, and method of reminders, determining what's necessary and what might be annoying.
The goal is to create a system that works for both individuals, maintaining an equal dynamic rather than falling into a parent-child or boss-employee relationship. A practical approach could be to schedule a weekly 15-minute planning session, perhaps on Sunday evenings. During this time, both partners can collaboratively plan the week, discussing who wants to or can handle various tasks. This method allows for joint decision-making and prevents the non-ADHD partner from unilaterally setting expectations and reminders. Couples can achieve a balance that respects both partners' needs and strengths, fostering a more balanced and supportive relationship.
Conclusion
Although only one session focused on romantic relationships, the quality and diversity of the topics and resources shared made it worthwhile to attend. This is especially true for new couples or newly diagnosed partners.
For a small fee, you can buy the recordings of previous conferences. 2024 will be added soon. Here is the link: https://caddac.ca/past-premium-conferences-workshops/
In 2025, the Conference will occur on Saturday, November 1st and Sunday, November 2nd in Vancouver.
2024 Conference prices
2-Day Registration (Saturday Nov. 2nd & Sunday Nov. 3rd) - $265+HST1-Day Registration (Saturday Nov. 2nd OR Sunday Nov. 3rd ONLY) - $145+HST
Registration fees include electronic handouts, lunch, and two coffee breaks.
HST is calculated at 13% based on tax rates in Ontario.
All fees are in Canadian dollars.
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