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From time to time, I come across ADHD articles where the recommendation from experts to non-ADHD partners is to lower their expectations. Each time I see such advice, I wrestle with it in my head and wonder if I really need to lower my expectations. Today, I want to share my thoughts on this subject and give you my verdict on this advice.
Understanding the Challenge
When you're in a relationship with someone with ADHD, you undoubtedly face unique challenges. These challenges often lead to frustration and disappointment, making the idea of lowering your expectations tempting. However, rather than lowering your expectations, I believe the key is to realign them.
The Project Management Analogy
Imagine this scenario: You’re a project manager at work, and you have a team member who excels in marketing but has no experience in writing code or creating software. Would you lower your expectations and ask this team member to handle coding tasks, knowing it’s not within this team member's skill set? Of course not. Instead, you’d assign tasks that align with the team member's strengths in marketing and find someone else who is skilled in coding to handle that part of the project.
Applying Realignment in Marriage
Similarly, with an ADHD partner, it’s about understanding their unique strengths and weaknesses. Your partner might struggle with time management or forgetfulness, but they might also bring creativity, enthusiasm, and spontaneity into your relationship. Recognizing and appreciating these positive traits can help you realign your expectations without lowering them.
For example, if your ADHD partner often forgets important dates, instead of being disappointed, you can find ways to support their memory. This might involve using shared digital calendars, setting reminders, or celebrating milestones in ways that accommodate their memory challenges. It's not about lowering your expectation for them to remember; it's about realigning your approach to ensure those important moments are still acknowledged and celebrated.
Communication and Flexibility
Realignment also involves open communication and flexibility. Discuss with your ADHD partner what you both expect from each other and identify areas where adjustments can be made. This two-way conversation helps in setting realistic and achievable goals for both partners.
For instance, if household chores are a constant source of conflict, rather than expecting your ADHD partner to suddenly become a cleaning enthusiast, you might realign responsibilities based on each other’s strengths. Perhaps your ADHD partner takes on tasks they find less overwhelming, while you handle others. This way, the household runs smoothly without constant frustration.
Expanding Beyond a Two-Person Team
Of course, with the project management analogy, the project manager could have more people on the team to delegate the work. However, in an ADHD relationship, there are just the two of you. If one partner does not do it, the other has to pick up the slack. Where do you find that extra person to take care of the work?
That's when you can get creative. You actually have some options. Whether it's hiring outside help, getting help from neighbors, friends, or family members, there are ways to expand beyond just the two of you. Just think about how families and couples hire help for dog walking or house cleaning when they are busy. Getting help or hiring help is a way to expand your team. For example, we use a grocery delivery service to save time and avoid potential conflict, so we both don't have to take a trip to the grocery store. Or, I hire a house cleaning service when I am super busy and stressed, and I know I would be short on patience if my ADHD partner didn't do something up to our agreed standards.
The Case for Realignment
For me, the idea of lowering expectations feels like giving up on the potential for growth and improvement in a relationship. Instead, realigning expectations allows both partners to thrive within their capacities and work together more harmoniously. It’s about finding a balance that respects both partners' needs and capabilities, fostering a healthier and more supportive relationship.
So, the next time you read advice to lower your expectations, consider instead how you might realign them. This approach can lead to a more fulfilling and resilient partnership, where both of you can flourish.
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