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Setting boundaries in a relationship can feel overwhelming, especially when emotions are involved. But the truth is, we're often more familiar with boundary-setting than we think. For example, consider your professional life: you likely know how to respond when your manager or coworkers ask you to take on tasks that aren’t your responsibility, or when you recognize the need to stop working after hours. These are examples of boundaries we set every day—often without realizing it. Furthermore, we often communicate these boundaries to managers and coworkers with little hesitation.
Unlike our jobs, where we have written descriptions and handbooks to guide us, marriages—especially ADHD marriages—have no "written" job description or handbook to refer to. This makes it difficult to determine what’s acceptable versus what’s crossing a boundary. Relationships are filled with gray areas, which is why many people feel unsure about whether they’re setting the right boundaries. These gray areas often make it harder to know where to draw the line—or set healthy limits—in the first place.
So, how do you know if the boundaries you’ve set are the right ones for you?
Here are three key questions I ask myself to ensure I’m setting good boundaries for myself and my relationship:
Will I Feel Some Level of Relief After Communicating My Boundary?
When something doesn’t feel right and you keep it bottled up inside, your stress levels rise. One of the clearest signs of a good boundary is a sense of relief after you’ve communicated it. If setting and communicating a boundary alleviates some tension or anxiety, then you’ve likely hit on something important.
Is This a Boundary I Would Communicate to a Friend or Coworker?
Romantic relationships, especially ADHD ones, can often cause us to stretch our boundaries further than we’re comfortable with. In ADHD relationships, the non-ADHD partner may delay or even avoid communicating boundaries to prevent burdening their ADHD partner, or to avoid an unpleasant reaction (for example, an ADHD partner storming out). But that’s risky because it can lead to resentment.
To maintain perspective, I like to ask myself if I would set this boundary with a friend or coworker. This helps me stay objective and avoid stretching my boundaries too far. For example, let’s say your ADHD partner is drinking at a party and behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable. If this were a friend or coworker, you’d likely address the behavior immediately to protect your comfort and peace. So why wouldn’t you do the same with your partner? While love may lead us to compromise, it’s important to recognize when you're giving so much that you no longer feel like yourself.
Do I Want My Way, or Do I Want to Be Happy?
Often, our boundaries are shaped by our expectations and what we’re accustomed to. If you’ve been in an ADHD relationship for some time, some of the boundaries we set might be so rigid (especially when you're at the top of the emotional rollercoaster) that they’re very challenging for our ADHD partners to meet. When I ask myself, “Do I want my way, or do I want to be happy?” I can often quickly see that while the boundary may be valid, my expectations around it may not be.
For example, I used to get upset when my ADHD partner wouldn’t pick me up from the airport after my business trips. If it were my dad, he’d gladly do it every time, even if it meant an hour-long drive. But when I learned from research that people with ADHD have a higher likelihood of vehicular accidents due to their condition, I realized I’d much rather have a living, healthy husband than an injured—or worse, deceased—one. As a result, I no longer expect him to pick me up from the airport. Furthermore, if I notice he's not focused when he’s about to drive, my boundary radar would go off (i.e., I am not comfortable with putting both our lives in his hands), and we would immediately order an Uber because our lives are worth far more than the cost of an Uber ride.
Conclusion
Setting the right boundaries and limits in a relationship—especially when ADHD is involved—can feel like a delicate balance. Remember, boundaries are deeply personal, and what works for one couple may not work for another. However, by reflecting on whether your boundary brings relief, whether you'd set it with others, and whether it promotes happiness over control, you’ll be on your way to creating healthy, realistic limits in your relationship.
If you're still unsure about where to start or how to formulate the right boundaries for your unique relationship, I'm here to help! Please feel free to schedule a 30-min call with me using the button below. I'm here to help you identify and set boundaries that allow both you and your partner to thrive.
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