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Discovering that your spouse has been diagnosed with ADHD can trigger a whirlwind of emotions. Reflecting on my own experience 16+ years ago, I initially treated it like any other illness, assuming a pill and therapy would suffice. However, the reality proved different. In addition to the advice shared in this previous blog post, here are four specific pieces of guidance for non-ADHD spouses to navigate this new chapter in your relationship:
1. Give Your Spouse Sufficient Time to Digest the Diagnosis:
My spouse's ADHD diagnosis caught both of us off guard, particularly him. As a proactive individual, I immediately began searching for a therapist while he grappled with the news. Only much later did I realize he needed time to accept the diagnosis. If your spouse needs time, be patient. They may experience a range of emotions, from relief to uncertainty. Avoid pressuring them for immediate discussions or decisions. Instead, express support and let them know you're available when they're ready to talk. Regular check-ins, every other week, can be beneficial. Recognize that different people require varying amounts of time to process, and be mindful of that. If it starts creeping over the 6-month mark, consider having a conversation to better understand the challenges in accepting the diagnosis. Seeking input from an ADHD therapist or other ADHD individuals may provide valuable insights to help with accepting the diagnosis.
2. Adopt ADHD-Friendly Communication Strategies:
Effective communication is fundamental in any marriage, and it becomes even more critical in an ADHD-affected relationship. ADHD symptoms and behaviors can be misinterpreted, leading to misunderstandings. What seems normal for neurotypical individuals may not apply to non-ADHD spouses. For instance, while occasional praise might be sufficient for neurotypicals, ADHD individuals may need repetitive praise to reinforce behavior. Adopting ADHD-friendly communication strategies is vital for success in your marriage.
In this post, I experimented with four ADHD couples communication exercises recommended by ADHD marriage expert, Melissa Orlov, supplementing them with my own examples and experience, providing practical tips for you to try.
3. Let Your ADHD Spouse Be in the Driver Seat for Treatment:
As mentioned above, I took charge, finding a therapist and scheduling appointments with minimal input from him after we received his diagnosis. However, he eventually gave up both therapy and medication, revealing he felt forced into it and wasn't ready. Therefore, my advice is to let your spouse lead in finding their treatment. Support them by expressing why treatment is essential for your marriage, helping break down the process into manageable steps, and celebrating each completed step are the best way to support them in finding treatment.
While the ADHD spouse should be in the driver's seat for treatment, it doesn't mean it is okay for the ADHD spouse to delay finding treatment for an extended period. I learned that the hard way after he gave up therapy and medication the first time. It took 3 more years before he attempt to give ADHD treatment a try. In the 3 years, his ADHD symptoms and behavior grew more pronounced, which added a lot of cracks in our marriage. Therefore, agree together on due dates for goal completion in seeking treatment and define what goal completion looks like together are important. This proactive approach helps you avoid the challenges we experienced in our marriage.
4. Truly Understand Your Boundaries:
In an ADHD marriage, concessions made during challenging times can become permanent compromises. Finances are a common area where non-ADHD spouses may make permanent concessions due to job challenges faced by their ADHD partners. Many couples, including myself, thought we would be a long-term dual-income couple, but it turned out to be short-lived, and we assumed the role of the permanent breadwinner for the household. While many choose to accept the financial responsibility, we often expect the ADHD spouse to step up in other areas. However, these trade-offs are not always discussed, even though the expectation is present, leading to challenges within the relationship. I strongly recommend that non-ADHD spouses spend time identifying non-negotiable boundaries upon learning of the ADHD diagnosis. Reflect on what is genuinely non-negotiable for you and your marriage, write it down, and keep it accessible. This proactive approach helps you establish acceptable limits and enables you and your spouse to find solutions when boundaries are at risk of being breached.
Check out my 3 part series on the book, "Boundary Boss" by Teri Cole, where I learn to set much better boundaries for my marriage now.
Conclusion:
Navigating a marriage after an ADHD diagnosis requires patience, empathy, and a commitment to growth. This demands adjustments from the non-ADHD spouse to not only support their ADHD partner but enable the marriage to thrive in the coming years. Explore my next blog as I share dedicated insights for newly diagnosed ADHD spouses.
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