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Navigating a relationship with an ADHD partner comes with unique challenges. In my interview with Melissa Orlov, an expert on ADHD and relationships, she pointed out that many people have an innate sense when professional help is necessary. However, the reality for many non-ADHD partners is that recognizing and seeking help can be delayed due to several reasons. Today, we explore some of my own barriers to seeking help and how you could learn from me to better recognize when professional support might be beneficial and help find a more balanced relationship.
Common Barriers
1. Believing It’s Temporary
One of the most common reasons I delayed seeking help in the past is the belief that the current struggles are temporary. Regardless of the root causes, I used to think that if I could just hold on a bit longer, things would improve on their own and we would be back to normal. However, this mindset often led to prolonged suffering for both of us. One example of this thinking was when my ADHD partner decided to stop taking medication. I pleaded with him a bit but didn't know how to effectively communicate the impact I observed when he was on medication. I thought he would come around soon, but that short period turned into over three and a half years. If I had sought the right help when he wanted to get off medication, we could have avoided years of challenges and aggravated feelings.
2. Lack of Experience with Mental Health Support
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), less than 1 in 5 families in the US have a family member with a mental illness. For the rest, the world of therapy and mental health support can be unfamiliar, especially around ADHD. I recall calling one of my ADHD partner's former psychiatrists for advice. During that call, he told me I should have sought help for myself right from the beginning when I found out about my partner's ADHD diagnosis. He explained that he didn't offer that advice because I was not his patient and I didn't ask. My lack of experience and knowledge about mental health caused me to defer seeking help because I didn't know better.
3. Uncertainty About Available and Quality of Help
Another significant barrier is not knowing what type of help is available or beneficial. Many ADHD couples, including myself, start with couples therapy. The challenge is that the professional help might not be trained or experienced in working with ADHD couples, leading to less desired results and frustration. I too started couples therapy because it seemed natural. While our therapist was great at supporting neurotypical couples, he didn't have much experience with ADHD. After about six months, we threw in the towel because we were frustrated that the therapy sessions were not yielding the results we expected.
Recognizing When Help Is Needed
So, the lesson from my experience? Do not delay getting help for yourself. It's like learning to swim with floating devices when you're not in danger; it will be harder to learn when you're already in danger. Nowadays, knowing better, I typically do a quarterly self-assessment in the following areas to determine if I need to seek professional support:
1. Persistent Stress and Overwhelm
If I find myself constantly stressed and overwhelmed despite my best efforts to manage the situation, it’s a strong sign that professional help is needed. Chronic stress can take a toll on mental and physical health, and a professional can offer strategies and support to alleviate this burden.
2. Repeated Conflicts and Misunderstandings
Frequent arguments and misunderstandings that don’t seem to resolve, no matter how much I communicate, may indicate underlying issues that need professional intervention. Therapy and coaching can provide tools and techniques to improve communication and understanding between partners.
3. Feeling Isolated and Unsupported
Feeling isolated in my struggles, with no one to turn to who truly understands what I'm going through, is a clear sign that outside help could be beneficial. Support groups, therapy, and coaching can connect you with others who share similar experiences and provide much-needed emotional support.
4. Decline in Relationship Quality
When the overall quality of my relationship deteriorates, and I'm no longer experiencing joy, connection, or satisfaction, it’s time to seek help. A professional can help identify the root causes of these issues and work with you to rebuild a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
Steps to Take
If you resonate with any of the above points, here are steps you can take to get the help you need:
Educate Yourself:
Learn about the types of support available, such as individual therapy, couples therapy, ADHD coaching, and support groups. I find the best way to learn about different types of support is from talking to others in support groups and through interactions with ADHD professionals.
Check out my "Insights from the Trenches" interview series and learn from other ADHD couples, individuals, and experts experiences and strategies.
Seek Recommendations:
Ask for recommendations from trusted sources, such as friends, family, or professionals who specialize in ADHD and relationships. I highly recommend keeping a shortlist of ADHD professionals handy. This helps reduce anxiety because you won't have to do a brand-new search at a critical juncture. ADHD professionals are more accessible than you might think.
Take Small Steps:
Start with small, manageable steps, such as attending a support group meeting or scheduling an initial consultation with a therapist. Through these conversations, you might uncover things that you are not aware of.
Check out our website's relevant ADHD Couples Events Calendar. A curated calendar where you can find ADHD couples courses, webinars, support groups when you need it.
Be Open and Persistent:
I equate getting the right support to dating. Be open to trying different approaches and persist until you find the support that works best for you and your relationship.
Conclusion
Recognizing when help is needed can be challenging, especially with the common barriers that many non-ADHD spouses face. By understanding these barriers and being aware of the indicators that suggest help is needed, you can take proactive steps to seek the support that can transform your relationship and well-being. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and it’s the first step towards a healthier, happier marriage.
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