How to Help Your ADHD Spouse Better Understand Your Requests and Get Things Done Right

Neurotypical individuals, like non-ADHD spouses, often have very different thought processes compared to our neurodivergent counterparts. When we expect our ADHD spouse to approach any tasks in the same way we do, misunderstandings and frustration can arise. Let's explore this with an example.

Example: Chore Misalignment

Imagine a scenario where you've assigned your ADHD spouse the task of cleaning the living room. In your mind, a well-organized and tidy living room is the goal. You expect the floor to be vacuumed, the surfaces to be dust-free, everything to be put away neatly.

However, when your ADHD spouse finishes the task, the living room looks different from what you had envisioned. The vacuuming is done haphazardly, and the arrangement of items isn't as meticulous as you'd like. Frustration sets in as you feel the chore wasn't done to your satisfaction. This scenario illustrates how misunderstandings can occur in ADHD marriages when expectations about tasks and their outcomes don't align.

To foster better communication and understanding in your ADHD marriage, consider this 6-step approach. These 6 steps has helped me reduced my frustration and got what I needed from my ADHD husband. As a matter of fact, because of the acknowledgement and the calmer request from me, my husband now strive for my appreciation and acknowledgement and will start doing other tasks without me asking. For me, that is the right step in the right direction of balancing responsibilities in our marriage that moves us in the right direction.

Let me walk you through each step:

1) Remind Yourself That Your ADHD Spouse's Approach Is Different

Recognize that your ADHD spouse's unique approach to tasks is not wrong; it's simply different. Various factors, including upbringing, environment, and personal experiences, shape how individuals approach tasks. This understanding is crucial in an ADHD marriage. For example, think of it as two routes to the destination. Some people prefer the fastest route, taking the freeway, while others might opt for the scenic route, savoring the journey to their destination. Additionally, consider that there may be times when one starts with the scenic route but needs to switch to a faster route due to emergencies. Both paths are valid because they ultimately lead to the same endpoint. Reminding yourself that they might approach things differently can help you structure your communication with your ADHD spouse effectively.

2. Ask Your ADHD Spouse to Clarify Their Approach

Before assigning a chore, ask your ADHD partner to clarify how they plan to approach it. This conversation allows you to understand their perspective and approach better. For instance, when assigning the living room cleaning task, you could say, "How do you plan to clean the living room? Let's discuss your approach."

3. Provide Clear Instructions and Expectations

Continuing with the theme of house chores, when assigning house chores, provide clear instructions and set expectations. Describe what the desired outcome looks like in detail. In the case of the living room, you can say, "Please vacuum the entire floor, dust all surfaces, and arrange the items neatly." The detail helps the ADHD spouse better understand your expectation and focus on delivering the expectations.

4. Provide a Near-Term Deadline with Consequences

To ensure even better alignment of expectations and outcomes, consider setting a near-term deadline for completing the chore. Because people with ADHD prefer living in the "Now" vs. the future, they will pay significantly more attention if there is an impending deadline that is near-term (within 24 hours) vs. long-term (over a day or more). Additionally, establish consequences in case the deadline is not met, and those consequences should be something they care about. For example, you could say, "I'd like the living room cleaned by this evening. If it's not completed by then, we won't be able to watch our favorite show together tonight."

5..Acknowledge Their Effort

Regardless of the outcome, acknowledge your ADHD spouse's effort in completing the chore. Show appreciation for their willingness to contribute. A simple "Thank you for cleaning the living room; I know you put in effort," can foster a positive atmosphere.

6. Offer Constructive Feedback

If the chore isn't done as you expected, provide constructive feedback rather than frustration. Always provide something positive first before explaining what could be improved for the future and offer specific suggestions. This will help provide your ADHD spouse with the necessary encouragement and reduce their ADHD symptoms flaring up, like anger, frustration, or shutdown, before you can provide the feedback. Try saying, "I notice the coffee table is completely clear, which is exactly what we need. Next time, let's focus on vacuuming thoroughly, and I'll help you with organizing the items."

In an ADHD marriage, understanding and empathy are the keys to a strong, loving partnership. Recognize that neurodivergent thinking leads to different approaches to tasks, which may require a little extra effort to bridge the gap in communication. By asking for their approach, providing clear instructions, offering constructive feedback in a positive manner, and acknowledging their effort, you can enhance understanding and strengthen the bond with your ADHD spouse. Introducing a near-term deadline with consequences can further improve chore alignment and ensure that your expectations are met, while starting with positive feedback reduces the risk of ADHD symptoms flaring up during discussions. In this way, you'll both navigate the challenges of a neurodiverse relationship more smoothly and create a deeper connection, even in the realm of house chores.

Try it out. Leave a comment below and let me know what you think.