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Ever found yourself dwelling on your mistakes, dissecting every decision, and being your own toughest critic? You're not alone. Before we dive into the intricate dynamics of managing an ADHD marriage, let's start with a question that resonates: Why do we often become the biggest critic of ourselves?
As a fellow non-ADHD spouse, I understand firsthand the challenges on being overly self-critical. Picture this: you, as the non-ADHD spouse, might catch yourself criticizing for erupting in front of your spouse after a long day at work because he didn't get an important task done as promised. Thoughts like, "I should have been more patient" or "I should have been more understanding" may echo in your mind afterward, creating a burden of self-blame.
Now, consider the perspective of your ADHD spouse. They, too, experience their own form of self-criticism. Perhaps they find themselves dwelling on not being able to consistently please you or meet certain expectations. In their world, the inability to complete tasks or fulfill promises to others might become a source of intense self-reflection and criticism.
The reality in an ADHD marriage is that you will often find yourself questioning both of your actions when the relationship is not healthy. To move from an unhealthy relationship to a healthy one, the work starts with having self-compassion and compassion for our spouses.
Acknowledging the inherent challenges, forgiving oneself becomes the cornerstone for personal growth and mutual understanding in an ADHD marriage. The truth is, without replenishing your own cup, it becomes increasingly challenging to effectively support and serve others, especially in the context of a relationship impacted by ADHD.
This is where self-compassion takes center stage. It's not just a nicety; it's a necessity. By cultivating self-compassion, both non-ADHD and ADHD spouses can lay the groundwork for a more resilient and harmonious connection. It becomes the fuel that powers the journey, allowing for understanding, growth, and ultimately, a stronger bond in the face of ADHD-related challenges.
Practicing Self-Compassion
Here are a few practices you can try out on practicing self-compassion:
Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your own expectations and how they may contribute to the cycle of criticism. Consider if these expectations are realistic and how they impact your well-being.
Mindful Breathing: When faced with challenges, practice mindful breathing to stay grounded. This simple technique can provide the clarity needed to respond with empathy rather than react with criticism.
Positive Affirmations: Incorporate positive affirmations into your daily routine. Remind yourself of your strengths as a partner and acknowledge the efforts you both are making to navigate the complexities of an ADHD marriage.
Applying Self-Compassion in Your Marriage
Letting Go of Others' Expectations
Are you trying to live up to your parents, friends, and societal expectations of a good marriage? I was there before. Once I understand living up to other's expectation does not actually make me happy, I realized that is not the way. Having an understanding of what I truly want and need allows me to let go of other expectations and start focusing on finding ways to achieve the marriage that I want with my ADHD spouse, like attending ADHD couples courses and seek out communications strategies. Ultimately, it is your life, live it the way that makes you most happy.
Navigating Setbacks with Understanding
When faced with setbacks or challenges in our everyday life with my ADHD spouse, I learn new skills to help me approach the situation with empathy. Remember that setbacks are a natural part of any relationship, and they don't define your worth or your ability to navigate the ADHD dynamics. As a matter of fact, setbacks are reminders for me to try differently with my spouse.
Building Emotional Resilience
Self-compassion contributes to emotional resilience. By approaching difficulties with kindness and mindfulness, I am calmer and focus on the big picture of what I need, over sweating the small stuff (a.k.a. not a priority and not important). For example, we hire house cleaning services to spare us getting into arguments over not achieving my cleanliness standard and getting upset because it takes hours for him to finish because he is easily distracted. This saves arguments that truly do not matter in the long run because having my ADHD spouse know how to clean our home is not an absolute requirement to have a happy and thriving marriage for us. We rather focus on important goals, like financial independence.
Self-Compassion is not an Excuse for Status Quo
I am not saying one should use self-compassion as an excuse for accepting this is how things are, but use self-compassion to understand that no one and no marriage is perfect; we all make mistakes from time to time. By forgiving ourselves for those mistakes and using the opportunity to understand what we want the outcome to be in the future, that allows us to have a target to focus on, allowing us to take the appropriate steps to grow and do things differently, allowing us to achieve the outcome and the marriage that we want, allowing all of us to thrive.
Conclusion
In the journey of an ADHD marriage, self-compassion emerges as a beacon of hope and resilience. By embracing kindness, acknowledging our shared humanity, and practicing mindfulness, we equip ourselves with the tools needed to navigate the complexities of our relationships with grace and understanding.
Like more insights like this?
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