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In my journey of over 16 years of marriage, I've learned firsthand that being married to someone with ADHD presents its unique set of challenges. My spouse and I stumbled upon his ADHD diagnosis by accident during his second year of college. Over the past 14 years, we've navigated the highs and lows of our relationship, with several starts and stops in various treatments. Currently, he's undergoing therapy and medication. If you're a non-ADHD spouse, I hope my key learnings can assist you in your own marriage or partnership.
1. Becoming an ADHD Expert: Your First Step
Early on, I failed to connect the dots between my husband's depression, anxiety, alcohol use, and ADHD. This lack of understanding led to a series of stops and starts in his treatment journey. If I had the right knowledge sooner, it could have saved us from numerous disagreements and hurtful moments. I recommend seeking resources like Dr. Barkley's or Melissa Orlov's work to become an expert on ADHD. Find a book or video that resonates with you, and revisit it periodically. This helps resurface forgotten ADHD knowledge and might aid in recognizing new symptoms or behaviors.
2. Finding the Right Therapist Could Take Multiple Tries
I've come to realize that finding the right ADHD therapist is a bit like searching for the perfect partner. I remember feeling optimistic after my husband's initial therapy session with a psychiatrist, thinking it was the perfect fit, only to realize later that it wasn't quite what he needed. It's a lot like when you get into the relationship of your dreams and that doesn't turn out as expected.
But here's the key lesson I've learned: don't lose heart if your partner's first ADHD therapist isn't the right match. Instead, treat it as a part of the journey, somewhat like refining what the perfect partner is. It took us a few tries to find the current therapist that he likes and I am seeing the positive changes in him within the first month of seeing the new therapist.
3. Consistency in Treatment: Don't Take Breaks
When searching for my husband's first therapist, I conducted thorough research and interviews and thought we were a good match. However, after nine months of treatment with our first therapist with no significant improvements, we gave up on therapy for three years. During this time, his anxiety and depression worsened, putting immense stress on both of us. If you're not seeing progress with a therapist after three months, don't hesitate to find another one. Avoid breaks in treatment, as a lapse like our three-year hiatus can damage your marriage.
4. Recognize Your Spouse's Potential
It's essential to understand that ADHD can be managed with a proper treatment plan, which means your ADHD spouse is more capable than you might think. For instance, when it comes to household chores, I initially took charge because I felt I could do them faster and to my satisfaction. However, shared responsibilities are crucial in a marriage, and taking over tasks may make your ADHD spouse feel less useful. Instead, find tasks that they can complete and set deadlines with either rewards they like or consequences they dislike to motivate them.
5. Long-Term Planning: Taking the Lead
ADHD individuals often struggle with long-term planning, such as retirement planning. In my marriage, I've taken on this responsibility but have broken it down into smaller, more immediate milestones. For example, we allocate a portion of my husband's paycheck towards retirement savings, allowing him to feel like he's contributing.
6. Build a Support Network with Other Non-ADHD Spouses
While friends and family can be supportive, they might not fully comprehend the intricacies of ADHD. When seeking advice, they may offer solutions that work well in a typical marriage but may not be as effective in one involving ADHD. For instance, my husband's aversion to driving led to disagreements with my parents, who believed he should share the responsibility because it appears to be an easy task for those without ADHD. Initially, I agreed, but when I came across multiple studies highlighting higher accident rates among people with ADHD, I realized I couldn't judge my husband through the lens of someone without ADHD. I needed the insights of others who are in similar situations, with knowledge about ADHD, to help me make informed decisions. I highly recommend connecting with other non-ADHD spouses to gain insights into your unique situation and make well-informed choices.
Conclusion: Navigating ADHD in Marriage
ADHD can introduce challenges into a marriage, but every partnership faces its own set of problems. With a problem-solving mindset and the right resources, you can find solutions to navigate ADHD together and lead your marriage down a happier path.
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