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As my wedding anniversary approaches, I find myself reflecting on the remarkable changes that have unfolded in my relationship with my ADHD spouse over the past year. This transformative period has seen significant shifts in both of us. To borrow from one of Steve Jobs' famous quotes, "You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward." As I look back over this past year, I've realized three important lessons. In celebration of a thriving ADHD marriage, here are insights that may aid you in fostering growth and connection in your own relationship.
Lesson 1: Communicate Your Deepest Fears
One pivotal breakthrough for me was bravely sharing one of my darkest fears within our marriage during the rockiest time of our relationship. I opened up about the worry of waking up from a lengthy coma to discover that I had lost everything due to my ADHD spouse's challenges in handling finances. While expressing this fear didn't magically solve our financial dynamics, it sparked a crucial conversation. By laying bare my concerns, my spouse gained insight into the impact of his actions on my happiness. This motivated him to explore new approaches, leading to a more equitable distribution of responsibilities at home. While I still manage the finances, he now shoulders a significantly greater load, marking a positive step forward.
Lesson 2: Dedicate Time Weekly to Work on Your Marriage
Despite devouring numerous ADHD-related and marriage-focused books, true transformation occurred when my spouse and I actively engaged with the exercises provided. This year, we committed to working on our marriage regularly through structured check-ins. While these sessions may not resolve every issue, they have proven instrumental in fostering open communication. By dedicating time to address concerns and find collaborative solutions, we've become more transparent and connected, deepening our bond.
Lesson 3: Make Your Marriage One of Your Top Priorities
Acknowledging my tendency to be a workaholic was a crucial realization. In the pursuit of professional success, I often neglected my relationship by working excessively long hours. As our marriage began to flourish, I recognized that true success in life, for me, lies in the quality of my relationships, particularly within my marriage, and not professional accomplishments. Drawing from a recent research article published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS), researcher found happiness starts to plateau around $100,000 of income (1), this revelation prompted me to reassess my priorities. I am fortunate that I could reduced my work hours and allocated more time to actively improve our relationship. By prioritizing my marriage over other priorities, I've witnessed positive results and a blossoming connection.
Conclusion
As I commemorate another milestone in my marriage, I am filled with gratitude for the growth and positive changes we've experienced in the past year. The lessons learned - from confronting fears to dedicating time and prioritizing our relationship - have been instrumental in navigating the complexities of an ADHD marriage. I share these insights with the hope of empowering other ADHD couples, affirming that we all possess the capacity for change and the ability to thrive in our ADHD marriages - even when all hope seems to be lost. Here's to continued growth, understanding, and love in the journey of an ADHD marriage.
Source:
Killingsworth, M. A., Kahneman, D., & Mellers, B. (2022). Income and emotional well-being: A conflict resolved. Edited by T. Wilson. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 119(12), e2208661120. https://www.pnas.org/doi/epdf/10.1073/pnas.2208661120
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