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When my children were young, I often wondered why everyday tasks felt so much harder for them than their peers. Mornings were a whirlwind of forgotten homework, missing shoes, and distractions at every turn. No matter how many routines we tried, nothing seemed to stick. My son would leave for school with an almost empty backpack, despite our best efforts the night before. My daughter mastered forgetting essential items, leading to mid-morning calls asking for emergency deliveries.
For years, I blamed personality differences or a lack of motivation. "All kids are different," I reminded myself. But as time passed, that reassurance gave way to frustration and self-doubt. Why did simple tasks—getting dressed, finishing homework, remembering instructions—feel like an uphill battle every single day?
It wasn’t until I understood the developmental delays in executive function that come with ADHD that everything started making sense. My children weren’t choosing to be forgetful or unmotivated. Their brains were developing on a different timeline. They needed more support, patience, and understanding than I had initially realized. If I could go back in time, I’d tell my younger self one thing: ADHD is not about unwillingness—it’s about lagging executive function skills. With the right support, progress will come.
The Executive Function Puzzle
Back then, I saw my children's struggles as unrelated challenges—forgetfulness, impulse control, emotional outbursts, and difficulty following instructions. Now, I realize these issues are interconnected. They are all pieces of a bigger puzzle: executive function delays.
I had heard of executive function, but I didn’t fully grasp its importance in my children's lives. I focused on managing their behaviors instead of understanding the underlying issue. I tried to curb their forgetfulness and address emotional outbursts without realizing these were symptoms of a broader developmental delay.
If I had known that ADHD involves a significant lag in developing these skills, I would have approached things differently:
I would have recognized that my 10-year-old was operating with the executive function skills of a 7-year-old in many areas.
I would have understood why my teenager still struggled with time management and organization, even as peers seemed to master these skills.
I would have responded with more patience and support during emotional outbursts over seemingly minor setbacks.
Adjusting Expectations
One of the biggest shifts I wish I had made earlier was to adjust my expectations to match their actual developmental stage, not their chronological age. Instead of asking, “Why can’t they just do this?” I would have reminded myself, “They’re still developing these skills.”
I would have stopped expecting them to “just try harder” and acknowledged these as legitimate developmental hurdles.
I would have celebrated progress, no matter how small, instead of worrying why they weren’t at the same level as their peers.
This perspective shift would have helped me approach their challenges with more patience and less frustration.
Tailored Support Strategies
If I had understood the role of executive function delays earlier, I would have focused on proactive support rather than reactive problem-solving. Here are a few strategies that could have made a difference:
External Scaffolding – Instead of assuming they would outgrow their forgetfulness, I would have leaned into external supports like structured routines, visual reminders, and checklists to help them bridge the gap.
Skill-Building Focus – Rather than just managing daily chaos, I would have emphasized teaching executive function skills like organization, time management, and emotional regulation.
Celebrating Small Wins – Recognizing that development is gradual would have motivated us both. Celebration of progress, no matter how incremental, reinforces confidence.
The Long-Term Perspective
Understanding ADHD as a developmental delay in executive function changed how I viewed parenting.
I would have felt less anxious about their academic performance and more focused on equipping them with the skills they need for adulthood.
I would also understand that executive function continues developing into their late 20s.
It's essential to seek supportive communities earlier; ADHD is not something kids “grow out of.” Instead, it’s about learning to manage with the right tools.
The Emotional Journey
Perhaps the most significant transformation would have been my emotional experience as a parent:
I would have felt less guilt and self-doubt. I wasn’t failing as a parent; my children were simply on a different developmental timeline.
I would have harnessed compassion for both my kids and myself. We were all doing our best with the knowledge we had.
And I might have reached out for support sooner, instead of struggling silently with frustration and uncertainty.
Conclusion
Looking back, connecting the dots between ADHD and my children's developmental delays would have shifted our focus from “fixing” problems to fostering growth over time. While the journey hasn’t always been easy, my children have grown into capable adults who understand their strengths and challenges—and who happen to have ADHD.
To parents starting this journey: understanding ADHD and connecting it with your children’s behavior is vital. It won’t eliminate challenges, but it will provide the patience, perspective, and tools needed for long-term success. ADHD is not about what a child won’t do; it’s about what they can’t do yet. And with the right support, they will get there.
Resources for Further Learning
For more insights, consider checking out the following resources:
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