Why is it so hard for my ADHD partner to understand his/her logic is completely different from the rest of us?

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It used to drive me crazy when my husband didn’t seem to “get” my logic. To me, it was common sense—things most people just understand and follow. But not him. Why doesn’t he behave like the rest of us? It got even more maddening when I’d explain something that felt so simple, only to watch him look back at me like I was speaking a different language. I’d feel exasperated, convinced he was being difficult on purpose.

Looking back, I see how much of this frustration came from my assumption that common logic was universal. It’s how society functions, right? Shared logic helps us cooperate, sets standards for what’s reasonable, and keeps life predictable. But I’ve learned that my ADHD husband doesn’t process the world the way most people do. His logic isn't “wrong”; it is shaped by a brain that processes differently, making our shared logic less “common” than I thought.

Why They Don’t See Our Logic

Here are three key reasons why someone with ADHD might not understand our logic:

1. Weaker Executive Function and Distracting ADHD Symptoms

   
   

   For many neurotypicals, logic and sequence come naturally. We can organize our thoughts and actions without much effort, even under stress. However, for ADHD partners with weaker executive function skills—like organizing thoughts or planning actions—these moments can feel paralyzing. They might genuinely not know what to do or how to respond. Add in the distraction of racing or unrelated thoughts, and it becomes even harder for them to focus on and understand logic that feels obvious to us.

   
   

2. Auditory Processing Challenges

   Many ADHD partners have weak auditory processing, which makes understanding requests or logic harder. For neurotypicals, we usually process what we hear quickly and can respond right away. For ADHD partners, auditory information might take longer to process. They’re still trying to make sense of what you said, even as you expect them to respond. This delay in processing can make it seem like they don’t understand, which can frustrate non-ADHD partners, especially during important discussions or when something is time sensitive.

   
   

3. Indifference or Lack of Interest

   What seems logical and essential to us might feel mundane or unimportant to an ADHD partner. If something doesn’t engage their interest, it may not hold their focus. This lack of focus can come across as an inability to understand simple logic, but in reality, they just don’t see the value in dedicating mental energy to it.

Is Common Logic Really That Important?

When I first started navigating these challenges, I thought having shared logic was essential. Over time, I’ve realized that wasn’t always true. Here are three questions I began asking myself that helped me shift my perspective—and they might help you, too:

1. What is more important: getting the outcome I want or getting my ADHD partner to think the same way?

   Sometimes, I realized I was more focused on the process than the result. If the laundry gets done or the bills are paid, does it really matter how my partner perform those tasks? Focusing on the outcome instead of the method has helped me release unnecessary frustration.

   
   

2. Can I recall an instance where my ADHD partner’s logic made more sense or worked better?

   There have been moments where my husband’s unique way of thinking solved a problem in ways I never considered. Asking myself this question reminds me that different logic isn’t inherently worse—it can sometimes be more effective.

   
   

3. Is this a want or a need for our relationship?

   Do I truly need my partner to think the way I do, or is it simply something I want for convenience or my comfort? Identifying whether my desire for shared logic was about a genuine need or my own preferences helped me approach situations with more empathy and flexibility.

Conclusion

Having different logic shouldn’t be seen as right or wrong. There are many paths to the same destination. Just look at Google Maps—even a logical computer program will give you multiple routes from point A to point B based on your needs. So why not embrace a similar perspective when it comes to your partner’s logic?

Instead of trying to make them conform to your way of thinking, look for opportunities to broaden your perspective. This approach can help you grow closer together, fostering understanding and respect for the unique strengths you each bring to the relationship.

What are your thoughts? Have you found ways to appreciate your partner’s different logic? Share your experiences in the comments, or submit a question for next month’s Q&A!

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